Quintessential Queen

The Song on the Inside of God

2009-09-29T17:30:00.005-05:00

At the creation, as you stood alone on the earth, right before you began shaping man from clay...what were you thinking? Was all of creation rejoicing in the beauty of its Creator?Were you basking in the glow of new born creation, untainted by years of pain and futility? Did you miss a certain voice that was still inside of you? The voice that you were about to give breath to, about to give

"Let me see your form"

2009-08-14T19:41:00.001-05:00

I felt the pull to sing today. It's been a while. I went to the Boiler Room, locked myself into the first floor and started playing my couple of chords on the sticky keyed keyboard. I was surprised to find myself drawn to the Song of Songs. Even more surprising was the pull to chapter two. I can't remember the last time I

Time and Space

2008-08-09T16:10:00.002-05:00

It is these two juxtaposing themes that have me all tangled up inside. Time and space. They seem cruel to the self that I carry around inside of my frame, weighing me down to the earth, and there is no escape. Through flights of fancy and dreaming I suppose I have had moments of reprieve, but overall I have to come down and face the fire of my living in time and space. I vent frustration with it

The Annual Birthday Blog

2008-06-05T22:43:00.002-05:00

This year its differant. This year there is hope and spring in the air. This year I am not holding my breath waiting for something spectacular to happen. It's happening. I'm living for the first time in my life from a deep place in my heart that was recently brought to life by the Living God and there really is nothing more to say about it. So much has happened in the last 3 months (I've only

I can't sleep

2008-04-18T00:15:00.001-05:00

So, here I am again. It's late. I want to sleep, but it is not happening for me at the moment. I say and FEEL such dramatic things when I am PMSing. I end relationships, I cry about things lost, I make broad sweeping statements that may or may not be true...oh wait...I do that all the time.As you may have picked up: I am PMSing. It really is amazing. Some people think I should get on birth

Proximity

2008-04-14T23:48:00.000-05:00

I should be in bed, but I figured I'd write a little something. Something about proximity and what it has done to me.I have been back in KC for a little over a month now and oh what a change. I was talking to a friend the other day about proximity. About how it amazes me that so much can change due to it. There is so much that I don't understand, but still, in a much more profound way,

Floating

2008-03-09T00:18:00.000-06:00

Do you ever feel like you are floating? Sometimes when I sit real still I feel this turning inside of me. Like I am trying to get out of my own skin. It is a very strange feeling. I feel like that when I'm about to get a migrane sometimes, or when I'm coming down from one. I don't feel a headache coming, but I am exhausted.I heard about someone I love the other night. Someone who meant the

I'm an addict

2008-02-24T01:21:00.000-06:00

Hey. So I'm writing you all of the sudden, because I stumbled across the blog I wrote about you so many years ago. I wanted to send you the best part of it, but also tell you that these things are still true about you. The reason I know this is because the things that were good in me at some point and no longer seem to be, are still good in me somewhere, even though I can't find them. I just

Jane Austen Strikes Fear

2008-02-04T01:08:00.000-06:00

I watched a OPB special this evening. It is a Masterpiece series on Jane Austen and her works. Tonight happened to be, "Miss Austen Regrets". And OH how depressing. She dies, and there remains in her, till the end, the conflict of freedom vs. attachment, marriage. My roommates commented on how much I reminded them of her, not necessarily of her brilliance in writing, but of her propensity to

unrequited love

2008-01-23T01:07:00.000-06:00

am I a victim of a serial disease? This strain, this frustration, this longing? Or is it an addiction to pain and lonliness? My "crushes" have been the stain on pages and pages of my journals. Annoyingly persistant and pessimistic. I know going into it that: a: I can't be trusted, and b: you will have to turn me away before the end. This is my disfunction. My disease. One of them at

2008-01-22T21:21:00.000-06:00

Sickness and disappointment. Similar diseases. Each letting me like leaches on my skin. I'm too weak to fight either of them alone anymore. My chosen partners are no where to be found. Too far away to know. I'm stopped up inside because of all of this. Not knowing where I even belong anymore. So tired of running from here to there. Looking for some kind of home, or simblence of home. I'm

The Things I Learn, pt 1

2007-11-20T01:47:00.000-06:00

I am a very slow learner. It takes me years to grasp emotional concepts like attachment, devotion, commitment. I believe it is because I am a thinker generally, though when I feel, I feel deeply. I am like a tree. I have this mind, like branches and leaves, that sticks out there, that people can see, that I can see. Then there is what I consider my core, the trunk. Then I get to my roots, my

someday

2007-10-10T22:00:00.000-05:00

Someday they will not walk out of a room to find someone else. Someday I will be interesting and beautiful enough to captivate just fine. Someday I will be hailed as irristable. Someday I will be able to give my heart to someone who will be worthy of it. Someday I will figure out that it is Jesus. Some day I'll stop wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, with some other person. Some day

"Amusing"

2007-09-06T00:20:00.000-05:00

They call me "amusing" because, well, I am amusing. Some have called me hilarious, some funny, some even witty and charming. But what it is about these labels that I have gathered collectively in my caldrun of disappointing words is that they fit my behavior so well. I am a funny person. I was born with a funny bone. My first cognative memory was of me laughing before I was even a year old.

Redemption

2007-08-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

There's got to be redemption somewhere in this story. Redemption, salvation, mercy. My whole life has seemed distantly sad to me, and now...well, like I said, there has to be redemption somewhere.I've lived under this shadow of watching need overrule love, outrank selflessness, and smother relationship. I am watching the final threads of some tapestry that I looked to as my modal of marriage and

these summer nights

2007-07-30T00:23:00.000-05:00

I think of you. I hold the dark glowing embered clove between my fingers, the evening summer wind caresses the nape of my neck and I think of you. I wonder where you are. I remember those perfect summer nights with fine wine and even better company. My body shudders with a deep sigh: confession of a lingering love. I don't think one ever "gets over" a love like that. We move on, we grow, we live.

Bounderies

2007-07-23T00:59:00.000-05:00

How the hell do you have them? For a person suffering with co-dependancy I do not know! How do you not leak yourself all over an unsuspecting person? How do you not allow a person leak all over you? Worst of all, how do you forgive and let go if someone through their and your brokenness end up hurting you? These are my recent questions, as I wrestle with the idea of bounderies. Idea,

The Dress

2007-06-10T00:50:00.000-05:00

It was an amazing find, this dress. Trunk show, insane amounts of estrogen flowing through the vents of the venue. Curvy women strutting their stuff. Grabbing, like only women can, at material sewn in flattering but very stylish ways only for them. It was a lesson in female bonding. I couldn't help but laugh at the mayhem and join in myself. I found a random room, packed to the gills with stuff.

It's that time again

2007-06-02T00:55:00.000-05:00

Birthdays. what is it about birthdays that make you take stock of your last year of living life to see if it measures up to some kind of imaginary self measuring stick of loathing you just end up beating yourself with? (I know. it was a run on sentence)In a few days I will have officially ended my 28th year of life on the earth and be officially labeled, "twenty-eight". What have I done in my

2007-04-11T11:19:00.000-05:00

She came into work today. I know what happened to her this weekend. She doesn't know that I know. She's just hunched over on her desk hoping that I won't notice that her once full, life-filled belly is now a concave form, empty. The blood is all sucked from her face and has bled into her eyes. They are bloodshot and void, with too much crying and emotion.They told her something was wrong with the

Fashion Sense

2007-04-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

Were has it all gone? Portland has a unique style all it's own. Mostly it includes waiting for the next flood and mimicing the trees (green and brown). I didn't realize how far removed from the "fashion world" (the mere idea of me even writing these words is more than a little ironic) I'd be when I moved to Portland. Not that Kansas City is a hot bed for cutting edge by any means, but it's

Bones

2007-02-07T22:00:00.000-06:00

The skin of her jaw was pulled so tight that I could see the pores in her bones. Her eyes were big and scared and so was her hair. She slouched like she was trying to be a man, but she was too beautiful to pull it off. I could tell she was running. Running from something very unfamiliar to me, but I am sure it was very familiar to her. Her brown leather shoes were warn thin, it seemed as if she'd

Elements

2006-12-15T10:00:00.000-06:00

The wind is howling tonight, and I have been thinking: you can never go home. I am reading a story about a little girl who is learning about life and how hard it is through radical socialist parents in the 30s. I realized that even at that young age we are looking for home. I remember feeling I was always out of place, that I never fit in, even in my family. My shoes were either too big or

My response to your Question

2006-11-02T09:56:00.000-06:00

I wish I had the ability to make broken people whole. To heal the broken hearted and to free people from the fears that hold them sway. I crave these things for myself and I feel it bleeding from the emotional pores of the people around me everyday. I am aware. I am some sort of incense of prayer in the aching of my soul.That’s how I am doing this morning. I wrote it because it comes out

Prayer: Stones

2006-11-01T22:53:00.000-06:00

Prayer. It weighs on me like a stone sometimes. Most times these days. It’s not that I don’t want to pray. I just don’t know how. How do I pray? All I really do is cry and ache these days, and call it prayer. What is prayer if it is not birthed from that? I guess there is the faithful prayer, and the disciplined prayer, but these autumn days are filled with aching and crying. There is

i am...portland (8 minute stream)

2006-10-02T00:38:00.000-05:00

I hear bells and strings and laughter. I hear the sound of falling water, and engines, and restless hearts. I feel the stirrings of some underground subterranean ache that was birthed long ago in the very heart of this place.I hear this city. I love this city. I AM this city. So broken, forgotten, abandoned, yet found and tenderly cared for, though it/I doesn't/don't even know it. I am green, I

I just need a song

2006-09-27T01:47:00.000-05:00

I am working now. I am attempting the travel business again. We'll see how it goes.I got off work today, standing at my bus stop I decided to hang out in the Square for a while. I was just feeling some stuff.I bought myself a small latte and sat next to the waterfall fountains and drowned out the noise of downtown for a while. Knitting, of course. Because knitting is what I do now.As I sat there

Explanation

2006-09-21T01:27:00.000-05:00

"If you don't know what an extrovert is thinking/feeling, you haven't listened.If you don't know what an introvert is thinking/feeling, you haven't asked."

Simply

2006-08-06T03:42:00.000-05:00

“Help me to simply live”This is the last line of the journal entry I just made. I am shedding something. Something complicated. Shedding some false sense of self, of security, of pride. I realize that this means that a lot will change. I’ve been waiting for it. Expecting it. Afraid of it, and excited for it all at the same time. Maybe this is the Kingdom of God being birthed in me. I’m

panelled room

2006-08-04T04:32:00.000-05:00

It's not what it sounds. Or maybe it is exactly as it sounds. I am living in a fully panelled room right now. For the next few days as things are being rearranged in my new house I'm downstairs in a room that is floor to ceiling (and ceiling) panelling. It smells like fir to me. I could be wrong. My nose is off these days.Upstairs if the doors are open it smells like cedar. The ocean must

lines

2006-06-19T23:33:00.000-05:00

The lines on my face say more than I would like them to some times. There has been a gradual downward shift in the shape of my mouth over my years here in Kansas City. I noticed it a few months ago and wondered about it. What had changed in me so much that caused my whole face to be more attracted by gravity than it used to be? I don't laugh as much as I used to.My friend Kristen told me that my

a whole lot I don't know about yet

2006-06-14T00:03:00.000-05:00

Man and Wife, just say it, Man and Wife...They never said, "I do".richer, poorer, in sickness and in health, thick and thin, babies, death, lies and forgiveness...however it goes.I am disturbed. I have become accutely aware of the lack of followthrough in relationship lately. I don't know how I am going to say all of this, I apologize for it's roughness.I have cried over my friends marriages more

Ah, the great Mundane...and Superhero's

2006-06-04T02:56:00.000-05:00

These are un-extraordinary times. It seems to me that life goes on tick after tock, breath after beat, and there is no accounting for taste. I am sure someone somewhere is experiencing some exhilarating portion of life. Maybe my friends in China. Maybe people in Africa. Maybe it’s just the Adam Cox’s in life that get all the good stories.I want to live. What does it mean to live, really live?

Homeward Bound, an Increadable Journey

2006-05-27T17:02:00.000-05:00

Cheesey title I know. What can one do? I am going to try my hand at posting something to this blog of mine. It's been a while. My creative juices have been all but non-existant lately.I have made a decision to move back to where the trees are higher than pride, where the earth smells like the garden of Eden, and where I was formed from it's dust and ashes. Not to the "exact" place of my

nearing 27

2006-05-18T22:26:00.000-05:00

Its midnight. I’m trying. Trying to write, trying to live outside of my boundaries. Trying to love Jesus. I’m not actually doing anything that would be said as “loving Jesus”, but in my heart I am aware.My season is changing. I have felt it in my heart, heard it on the wind, smelt it in rain. My twenty-seventh birthday is coming up so soon, and I remembered thinking about being 27 when I was a

new things

2006-01-26T16:44:00.000-06:00

Rapidly I am moving toward the end of my last week here at this florecent enduced insanity, called an "office job". White walled tomb of hope defered, busted open by the ringing of my little black phone. Sleek and sophisticated as it is, added to by the voice on the other end telling me that Jesu heard my cry and is "reassigning" me, to a place that I can sing loudly at! HA!Okay, so enough of

Veiled Faces Part 1

2005-12-29T16:35:00.000-06:00

I’m listening to my all time favorite album. I love pulling it out and playing it after having a long absence from it. It brings me to a place of peace and a hidden rest. I say hidden because when I listen to the mellow sounds of this album I feel like I’m hidden away in the remotest of places and all around me is beauty and that soft subtle ache that reminds me that I am human. I like being

Alone: The Beauty and the Pain

2005-12-09T08:49:00.000-06:00

November 30When God Breaks InWe are plunged into mystery – what Abraham Heschel called “radical amazement.” Hushed and trembling, we are creatures in the presence of ineffable Mystery above all creatures and beyond all telling.The moment of truth has arrived. We are alone with the Alone. The revelation of God’s tender feelings for us is not mere dry knowledge. For too long and too often along

trust:tact

2005-11-30T13:12:00.000-06:00

The heart beats the same as it always has. Some times slow and steady, other times fast and frantic. Today, it’s slow and steady, a little heavy, but she’s still beating. She continues to beat even when I ask her to stop because it hurts the way it does when life happens. But today, its “steady as she goes”. I was reminded last night, something about trust, something about life.I was reminded

iffyness

2005-11-04T14:28:00.000-06:00

I have been having a hard time remembering who I am lately.It seems that since I have been home I have been struggling with all the things that I thought were just my doing. But I am discovering that it is mostly this atmosphere around me that helps press these lies into the fabric of whom I thought I was. I read a quote today that intrigued me, “Who you are never changes, just your perception

Superhero Identity

2005-09-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

Your Superhero ProfileYour Superhero Name is The Dawn SingerYour Superpower is SolarYour Weakness is The Color RedYour Weapon is Your Mystic BowYour Mode of Transportation is Fire Engine

ARRRR!!!! Me Mateys

2005-09-19T16:18:00.000-05:00

It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day ARRR!Anna Joy Walker, your pirate name isDeckswabber Nimble ToeWalk da plank ye swarby marby's!

New Beginnings

2005-09-16T07:31:00.000-05:00

Writing is shit these days. Something subversive in me is taking over my love of words, because maybe in these days of waiting and semi confusion I have no words, I only have waiting and I only have hope and trust in my Father. I don’t know what he is doing. I can only guess and my guesses hopefully fall far short of what is really happening inside me, outside me, all around me.I’ve been

Fight Club

2005-08-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

sometimes I wonder why scars are so visable on some people and on others they are not.I watched Fight Club today for the first time. There is a steady stream of males in my life that all answered the same way when asked what their top 5 movies of all time are. Fight Club is almost always in the top 3.And I guess I am going to need some male mind to explain it to me. I appreciated the twists and

a new day

2005-08-02T22:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it happens so suddenly...a new day...sometimes it happens gradually, so much so in fact that you didn't really realize it was happening until you are riding home blinking away the late afternoon sun, happy and satisfied.That's what happened to me today. I started out annoyed, was up too early for my enjoyment...I am after all "on vacation". (If you can call driving 4 days with trucks

poster

2005-08-01T21:09:00.000-05:00

How do you live in a house that is static with the sound of gripping silences, filled with anger, disappointment, failure, and pain?How do you call such a place "home" that has stifled you and given you the wrong name? What's to become of you in the suppos-ed comfort of your suppos-ed home where all you are is chained to the ideal of what a mediocre life should be,and you, my friend, have become

I used to call you home...

2005-08-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

Bellingham, I used to call you home:Vague familial ties keep me coming back to you.“The Great Green Haunting”, that’s what I shall name you.Constantly eroding the softened edges of my memories, singing an enchanted tune, calling me, like the tide responds to the moon, home to the shores of my belabored birth.And so I return, and like a bitter sweet reunion you tell me you were once in love with

amtrak

2005-07-08T08:59:00.000-05:00

July 8, 2005Amtrak to JacksonvilleFamilies that travel together, stay together. That should be the Amtrak motto; it might get them more business.So the thing I notice about this train traveling business is that there are a lot of African-Americans that travel the rail system on the southern half of the east coast. And they travel as families. It’s pretty amazing really. There seems to be a whole

big white house, 4th of July, avoiding conflict

2005-07-04T15:21:00.001-05:00

moments have brought me to the present state that I am in in a suburb of Washington DC. I am at my friends' house. Or at least the house she is staying at for now. It is this enormous white thing, with an AWESOME yard and a forest in the back yard. I like the back yard. Needless to say. there is an issue of massive avoidance of conflict (on my part). My friend and her mother decided to

vermont

2005-07-01T21:44:00.000-05:00

July 1, 2005Windom, New HampshireYouth Storm NE, Foster’s houseMy journey continues. Through the weekend I will be in New Hampshire, Boston, and will get to Washington DC on Sunday.Vermont was not what I expected. I anticipated more laughter. Not that I was extremely disappointed or anything, it just didn’t hold the punch of fun I was hoping for. A lot changes in 2 years. That is a

sub-par goodbyes and Nouwen

2005-06-15T17:01:00.000-05:00

The quality of my goodbyes has been sub-par as of late. How do you adequately say goodbye to someone? How do you tell them what they have meant to you, how they have affected your life in positive ways without making it feel awkward and uncomfortable platonically? How are we ever to relate on real gut honest and honoring levels if we are so stuck by the status quo, the fear of becoming known and

veracity/voracity

2005-06-15T11:21:00.000-05:00

I have 2 dimes on my desk near my keyboard. My newly manicured fingers reach for them mindlessly as I rock back and forth in my black office chair, soon to be packed away in its original box because I am done with this blasted job.It was a good idea at first. Yeah! I’ll be a “travel agent”! sounds like a lot of fun. I know a lot of missionaries that need my help. A year later I sit here wondering

Josiah Tate Nelson

2005-06-13T11:30:00.000-05:00

When I set out to write something I do strange things. First I lower my chair so that I can be closer to the keyboard…than I scroll through the list of fonts to choose just the right one for my mood today, I chose Poor Richard today. Than I make the font a nice big readable size 14 and I set to writing. So now that all the pieces are in place…My friend left today. He’s gone to the west coast

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

2005-06-06T11:45:00.000-05:00

Birthdays are a strange thing. This year I have made mine a big deal on purpose. Because every other year I am always disappointed for what ever reason, and my feelings get hurt. My birthday is the one day of the year, every year that I can feel the most rejection and pain. It’s amazing.This year is different because I am taking a different stance on the whole thing. I am an adult now, it’s

Attempts at Pilfering Monies in Romania

2005-05-31T10:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the story goes like this:Memorial Day Weekend. Big money spending weekend for me. I'm painting my apartment. Someone should have talked me out of it, though I am sure I wouldn't have listened. My paint bill alone was over $200. HOLY SHNIKE'S! Why do I have to LOVE color so much?? Why can't I just live in a bland place like the majority of the world?? Wouldn't it be grand if they invented

lacking social grace and assurance b : causing embarrassment: (an awkward moment)

2005-05-24T13:40:00.000-05:00

Ok,I must confess that I was not expecting, for some reason, to meet people randomly through my day that know me and have read my blog. It’s quite disconcerting actually. The whole thing is very risky. Let your thoughts your heart out there for people to see and get feedback from them? Doesn’t sound very comfortable to me…no sir!! I ran into someone today that asked me if I was the Lady of

The Golden Age of Radio, Brown Rice, and Kim Chee

2005-05-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

I bought some old time radio cd’s from Price Chopper today. I bought Bob Hope, Dick Tracy, The Shadow, Bing Crosby, The Lone Ranger, and Jack Benny. I did it all for memories sake. Why? Because some of my happiest childhood memories were when on Sunday nights after evening church I would come home with my family and my dad would make brown rice to go with his Kim Chee. I would wait and wait,

I hate the word Co-Dependency

2005-05-13T17:10:00.000-05:00

I hate the word Co-Dependency. I hate that I fit into the very definition of that word, well, outside of the dictionary making it primarily about alcohol and heroin addiction…, and I hate it even more that my relationships tend to look like those that are described in the: “You’re CO-Dependant! That sucks for you, pay me 13.95 and I’ll fix it for you, Subtitled: HA SUCKER! JUST KIDDING, I have

2005-05-12T11:54:00.000-05:00

This is the the place of my birth. Increadible isn't it?

2005-05-12T11:50:00.000-05:00

This is a drawing by my friend Kristen Curry. She's an increadibly talented artist. This is me, this is the reason for the ache...

Breathing

2005-05-12T11:48:00.001-05:00

I grew up in a beautiful place. A space that smelled of green and dirt after the rain washed the streets clean and the smog in the air was shoved away to give way for real air, breathable air.We had very breathable air; in fact, it’s the most breathable air in the Nation, based on some poll somewhere. I long for that air when it’s hot and humid outside and my lungs scream at me because they

2005-05-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

Beautiful Green Forest in the Great Pacific Northwest, picture taken from www.writh.net.

Mirrored Faces

2005-05-10T12:52:00.000-05:00

I make faces at myself in the bathroom mirror at work. I ask my friend/coworker if he does the same, he say’s, “yea”. I am happy to know that.Writing is easier than talking, because a disconnect from the filter of mouth happens, and my fingers are more familiar with the language of my heart. Therefore, my words, these words may be much more telling about me than any words that you may hear come